Friends: Creating Your Inner Circle
Negative Impacts of Social Isolation
Humans are social animals. Stories of people who shun society to live as hermits generally don’t end well. Consider the case of Ted Kaczynski a.k.a. The Unabomber. He lived alone in a remote cabin in western Montana where he was arrested in 1996. Kaczynski plead guilty to setting 16 explosions that killed three people and injured 23 others in various parts of the country between 1978 and 1995, and is currently serving a life-sentence with no chance of parole.
Research has shown how devastating social isolation can be to our health. New data from the recent Covid lockdowns reinforces what was already known about the effects of social isolation, Social isolation has been linked to cognitive impairment, reduced immunity, increased risk of cardiovascular disease, and ultimately, mortality (Cohen et al., 1997; Bassuk et al., 1999; Barth et al., 2010; Heffner et al., 2011). The association between physical frailty and social isolation has been linked to heightened inflammatory activity, as indicated by increased levels of C-reactive protein and fibrinogen (Loucks et al., 2006). As important as social interaction is to our health, what is often overlooked is who we interact with. Health risks associated with loneliness and social isolation are comparable to the dangers of smoking and obesity, increasing mortality risk by up to 30%. Feeling alone increases the risk of death by 26%, while social isolation and living alone increases mortality risk by 29% and 32%, respectively, according to a March 2015 study.
As important as social interaction is to our health, what is often overlooked is who we interact with.
Mirror, Mirror in My Brain
I can’t overemphasize this enough; we tend to become like the people we spend our time with. This is a powerful fact, and one we can use to make huge changes in our life. We are not immune to the effects that the people we hang out with have on us. People who are angry, negative, disrespectful, condescending, or dishonest can infect us with these characteristics. Just like we can get a virus from someone and not be aware of it at the time, the traits and mindsets of other people can infect our minds when we spend enough time around them. This fact has a basis in neuroscience. Our brains have a type of neuron known as mirror neurons. These neurons subconsciously mirror the behavior of people you interact with, but unless you pay attention you won’t even notice you are doing it. Not only do we mirror speech patterns, gestures, and other mannerisms, we also mirror their thoughts. In short, by changing your friends you can change your life. Drug addicts are an extreme example of this. They hang out with other drug addicts. They are uncomfortable around non-addicts, and one of the goals of rehab is to remove them from their circle of addict friends long enough to help them make changes in their life. Recovered addicts will tell you that they got fee of drugs by avoiding their addict friends.
Choose Carefully: Protect Your Mind
“The mind is an important and sacred place, keep it clean and clear.”
Ryan Holiday
In my own life I’ve seen this demonstrated over and over again. I’ve had to consciously terminate friendships that were toxic, and it has been a game changer for me. I now classify my relationships into three categories;
Close friends: These are people who share my core values. Being around them elevates me, and I always feel better being with them. They enrich my life.
Acquaintances: These are people who I don’t share similar values or interests with. I can interact with them socially, but choose not to spend a lot of time with them.
People I avoid: These are people who drain my energy, who only want to talk about themselves, or make me feel bad about myself. People who try to make me feel inferior, or try to manipulate me.
I recommend you figure what works best for you in evaluating your personal relationships.
I believe my mind and health are the my most precious assets. Therefore I guard them carefully. I’m very particular about choosing my friends because of the impact they can have on both my mind and health. I’ve found I have to be pretty ruthless about this, and it’s caused some hard feelings with some of the people I’ve had to end relationships with. I’m just not wiling to risk my mind and body to be popular and liked by everyone, and neither should you.
“Cultivate 12 people who love you, because they are worth more than 12 million people who like you”. Kevin Kelly
